


Little Wet Bitch

by SlimyPennies



Series: Non-Despair Junko [3]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Comedy, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 11:56:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16618529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlimyPennies/pseuds/SlimyPennies
Summary: Junko gets a pet fish. It turns out about as well as you’d expect.





	Little Wet Bitch

**Author's Note:**

> i forgot to upload this lololol

Junko kicked down the door to her homeroom, grinning wildly. Kiyotaka nearly had a heart attack at the sight, and Aoi instinctively cringed in surprise. Sakura quietly nodded, impressed at the girl’s strength, and Sayaka questioned her sexuality yet again. It is unknown whether or not Hifumi shit his pants in pure terror, but everyone will agree that the room got a little smellier.

“Guess fucking what!” Junko screamed, arms hidden behind her back, “Guess what! Guess what! Just guess!”

“You got a fish.” Mukuro said.

“How the fuck did you know?!”

“I came with you to buy it…”

Junko revealed the fish bowl she held behind her back, a small goldfish swimming around in the water. She smiled wide.

“It’s a fish.” Byakuya scoffed, “Fish are like the dirt of the animal world.”

“It’s not just a fish.” Junko said in the most sugary sweet tone she could manage, “It’s my fish! What a cutie patootie!”

“It really is a nice fish.” Makoto said, “What did you name it?”

“Little Wet Bitch!”

Leon spat out his energy drink, drenching Kiyotaka. Kiyotaka yelled, rubbing at his eyes.

“You fucking named your fish Little Wet Bitch?!” Leon yelled.

“It’s in my eyes!” Kiyotaka screamed, “This is not acceptable! My eyes…!”

Junko pulled out a pair of glasses and put them on her face. She leaned on a nearby desk, pushing up the frames.

“Little Wet Bitch is smaller than most fish. Fish are always wet. If a fish belongs to me, the Super Duper Ultimate High School Level Bitch, then it must be a bitch too. Like owner, like pet.”

Hiro nibbled on his lip, pondering his deep ponderings.

“Dude, are fish really wet? They don’t drip water off of them under the water, do they? Are you only ever wet out of water?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

The Super Duper Ultimate High School Level Homeroom Teacher walked in, and the subject was dropped… Until…

_One day later…_

“Noooooooooo!” Junko screeched, “Little Wet Bitch has been murdered!”

Junko held up the fishbowl, Little Wet Bitch floating upside down inside. Tears streamed down Junko’s face.

“It’s only been one day.” Makoto murmured, “That’s gotta be a record…”

“I-It’s time for a class trial…” Junko whispered.

“What?”

“It’s time! For a motherfucking! Class trial!”

_One unwilling group up of an entire home room during lunch hour later…_

“It’s so weird that there’s just a courtroom in school.” Sayaka said, “Do we even have an Super High School Level Lawyer?”

“Shut up!” Junko screeched as she hit the gavel from the judge’s chair, “Shut up! Shut up! Little Wet Bitch is dead! I never cared about anyone else as much as I cared about Little Wet Bitch!”

Sakura patted Mukuro’s back out of a weird combination of sympathy and pity.

“What makes you think someone went out of their way to murder your fish?” Byakuya said.

“Because I took great care of Little Wet Bitch! There couldn’t be any other way!”

“And I did an autopsy.” Kyouko said.

“Yeah! She did an autopsy! I- Wait, where’s the fucking goth chick?”

“Who?”

“The goth chick. Lesbian supreme. Has a cat. Forgot her name-“

“Oh, Celes.” Chihiro muttered, “She posted on all her social medias that her kitty has, uh... kitty cancer.”

“I don’t think it’s kitty cancer!” Hifumi said, “Cats can’t have cancer!”

“I-I’m pretty sure that cancer affects cats…”

“Nooooo! The kitties can’t get cancer, that’s too cruel!”

“Cats can get cancer.” Kyouko said, “I saw it happen.”

Hifumi frowned, and then checked his phone while Chihiro checked hers.

“Cats can get cancer.” Chihiro said.

“Miss Ludenberg’s cat doesn’t have cancer.” Hifumi said, “It has a broken leg!”

“Didn’t she block you?”

“This isn’t the problem we’re focused on, Miss Fujisaki.“

“...Did you use my block bypass?”

“Oh, babe, I-“

“Wait! Babe?!” Aoi yelled, “Oh my God, are you two dating?!”

“Well…” Chihiro started, sweating, “U-Uh… You see… We…”

“Activate disappearance spell!” Hifumi screeched, before picking up Chihiro and running to the elevator. He waited patiently for the elevator to come down, and then ran inside, waiting what felt like an eternity for the doors to close and the elevator to slowly climb upwards.

“Okay! This is irrelelelele…! Elephant! Irrelesbians!” Junko said, “Little Wet Bitch is not connected to kitty cancer or whether or not Furry Fucker and Programming Princess are fucking!”

“You think they’re f-f-fucking?” Touko hissed, nobody sure if she was aroused, disgusted, or both, “Who do you think tops?!”

Everybody remained quiet, for nobody knew who would top. Two Super Duper Ultimate High School Level Bottoms… Who would bottom a bottom? Who’s more bottomy?

“Obviously, Hifumi bottoms.” Byakuya said, gagging, “He’d crush her.”

“Okay, shut the fuck up!” Mondo yelled, “I don’t wanna hear about these two fucking!”

“Language, bro.” Kiyotaka said.

“Sorry.”

“My autopsy has determined that Little Wet Bitch choked.” Kyouko said, “Not on fish food, but on something else. Something white. It is too wet for me to determine what it is.”

“Little Wet Bitch choked on something white and possibly wet…” Makoto muttered.

“I’m ruling out the possibility of it being white and wet right now.” Junko said in the most deadpan voice anyone ever heard her say, “I don’t want to imagine Little Wet Bitch choking on-“

Touko sneezed.

“Jizz!” Genocider yelled at the top of her lungs, “Semen! Cum! Someone jizzed on the fish!”

“It’s more powdery than… that.” Kyouko said, “What’s powdery and white?”

“Cocaine!” Leon yelled.

“No!”

“Something white and powdery…” Sakura said slowly, “I… might have an explanation to all this.”

Hiro cocked his head.

“Sakura put cocaine in the fish tank?”

“No.” Sakura and Aoi said at the exact same time, though Aoi screamed it.

“Protein.” Sakura said simply, “I put… protein in the tank.”

“Motherfucker!” Junko screeched, “You killed Little Wet Bitch! Why?!”

“It looked rather weak.” Sakura said, uncharacteristically meek for once in her life, “I… I might have assumed protein would solve the issue…”

“Sakura Oogami! You are the blackened and are deserving of punishment!” Junko yelled as she banged her gavel rapidly, “You murdered Little Wet Bitch!”

Junko climbed out of the judge’s chair and lumbered over to Sakura’s seat. She stuck her hand out, waiting.

“Gimme back my mascara.” Junko growled.

“Oh… But all the other mascara runs into my eyes when I work out…”

“You should have thought about that before killing Little Wet Bitch!”

Sakura sighed, then pulled the mascara out of her pocket, trembling as she put it in Junko’s open hand. She looked away.

“I apologize.” Sakura said, “I made you suffer great loss for no good reason, and I will personally buy you a new fish.”

“Oh, hell yeah!” Junko yelled, “Court adjourned! Let’s go right now!”

“I’m coming with!” Aoi said, “My next classes aren’t really my cup of tea…”

“I need some dog food.” Leon muttered, “Mind if I join?”

“Me and the Boring Bookworm need some shit for our little darling bug.” Genocider said, nodding, “Not actual shit, but…”

Sayaka beamed, “I wanna see the birds!”

“Are you all skipping school?!” Kiyotaka yelled, “This is against the rules!”

“Well, it could be skippin’ school.” Mondo said, “Or we could go on a fuckin’ class field trip or whatever to the pet shop with you as our supervisor.”

Taka bit his thumb anxiously.

“Uh, well…”

And that’s the story of how patrons at the local pet store ended up finding a dozen or so of overly destructive teens petting the rescued dogs. Junko got her new fish: Not Little Wet Bitch, Leon and Touko got their supplies, and Makoto accidentally started a fire and got kicked out. It is still unknown whether Celes’s cat recovered from the broken leg or if Hifumi tops Chihiro.


End file.
